Everlasting Love.

My Grandpa Peterson passed away ten and a half years ago.  I was 17 and a Junior in High School.  I loved my Grandpa, we'd been close and he had supported me throughout my entire life from watching sporting events to special birthday presents to ice cream cones every time I would visit.  When my Grandpa passed it rocked our family.  He had developed cancer and before we knew it, he was gone.

That was over ten years ago and a lot has changed in my life since then.  Our family has gone through major changes.  We've laughed until our sides have hurt and we've cried until there were no more tears.  We've welcomed new family members and said goodbye to old friends.  We've moved, married, changed jobs, graduated and reevaluated life from all sides.  Through every step, laugh, tear and change one person has always been there to hold our hands, Grandma.

When I was little we called her Grandma Grunty.  I'm not sure why other than she always said, "Don't call me that!"  So of course, we did.  We had sleepovers, ate ice cream, looked at pictures and played cards.  My Grandma Dorothy has showed me so much and her wisdom has lead our family my entire life.  Tonight she lies in bed as the same cancer that took her husband, slowly takes her breath.  Even in this, her wisdom leads our family and shows us how grace, patience and faith can lead a person through anything, even death.

As I laid in bed last night I couldn't stop thinking of the things that my Grandma has taught me throughout my lifetime.  Especially in the last 7 years, we've developed a relationship and friendship that I will miss everyday of my life.  No matter what happens in the next days, weeks or months Grandma Grunty's lessons will be with me forever.  I can't wait to pass them on.

Here are some things she taught me:

• Grandma taught me that everything takes patience.  Patience with people, situations and life.
• Grandma taught me that family is everything.
• Grandma taught me how to play to cards, gamble and swear.
• Grandma taught me how to pray in German.
• Grandma taught me how to can, bake pie crust and make gravy.
• Grandma taught me to slow down and listen.
• Grandma taught me what stubbornness really looks like.
• Grandma taught me how to shop from the comfort of your own home.  Her, through magazines, Me, through the internet.
• Grandma taught me survival in any situation.
• Grandma taught me the importance of letting others help you.
• Grandma taught me importance of a good pot roast, ring baloney and potato salad.
• Grandma taught me how to get to Ho-Chunk.
• Grandma taught me why a smaller Walmart is always better than a Super Walmart.
• Grandma taught me that you can always go home.
• Grandma taught me to treat all family as equals.
• Grandma taught me to love game shows.
• Grandma taught me dirty songs from when she was young.
• Grandma taught me why everyone should have a rummage sale.
• Grandma taught me that every house should always have baked goods on hand.
• Grandma taught me that a little can go a long way.
• Grandma taught me that regular coffee is good day or night.
• Grandma taught me that the door is always open.
• Grandma taught me that Friday night is for reserved for Fish Fries.
• Grandma taught me to hang on to what you love.
• Grandma taught me how to say goodbye.
• Grandma taught me that love lasts forever.

No matter what happens next, my Grandma Dorothy will live with me forever.  Her laughter, smile and love will never be forgotten.  I pray for her comfort and relief.  Soon she will be with her love again.  It's been ten and a half years... what a reunion it will be!

Waiting...

It seems like lately I've been spending a lot of my time waiting for things to happen. Waiting for school to start, waiting for Sam to get home from work, waiting for supper to be done, waiting to proceed, waiting for results... waiting. While waiting for something to happen there is usually a lot of time to think. Lately I've been stuck in thinking about what I'm missing out on while I'm waiting. While it seems like everyone is moving full steam ahead, with no brakes and no fork in the road, I'm stuck at "GO". I have continually thought to myself, "We're on the same road with the same map, why can't I get started?" I've looked everywhere for the answer but can't find it. As I watched everyone pull further and further away I suddenly felt alone, misunderstood, sad and confused. We had started this race together, I had worked hard, taken all the right steps, put in the time but still, none of this mattered.

While everyone else was busy with their journey, I longed for the tired and worn out but satisfied feeling that comes from being a parent. I longed for sleepless nights and nursing babies, for skinned knees and hugs of comfort, for beating hearts and those first cries of life. And I still do. For a while, in this time of waiting, that is all I thought about. How everywhere I looked new life was growing. Every reference to motherhood stabbed my heart, every baby bump shook my soul.

Two miscarriages will do two things to a woman, rock her faith to the core to see how solid it truly stands and show her who will truly stand by her on that lonely rock. People who have not been through this, either themselves or with a friend, can not truly understand I guess but the death of a child at any stage of life cannot be forgotten or replaced. The smallest thing will remind me of those days of hope and those days of loss. As the due date of my first child quickly approaches I will be reminded of those first weeks of hope and excitement. I must cling to those feelings as I let go of the pain and confusion that fall with any great loss.

As I give away the pain to a God who can hold it all, I've realized that maybe I'm not stuck at "GO." Maybe I'm just on a different road. Maybe it's not a race or contest. Maybe the darkness I'm sloshing through is part of a greater plan. I will never understand it as long as I am on this Earth. I'm not sure I will ever be truly over the pain but I trust and find hope in what lies ahead. While I ask for forgiveness from those I may have hurt or made feel uncomfortable with my words or actions, this is my life, this is my path. I hope as I continue my dreams will someday come true, but everyday I must decide to follow with faith and hope the road that God has laid out in front of me. I hope to help people understand my journey and not be afraid of the pain that it has shown me, but instead see the rejoicing in God who has laid out a plan that is far greater than any I could ever imagine. Hope is a daily decision and today I hope to faithfully move one more step down the road. Whether surrounded by love or loneliness I will walk and one day I will understand the plan He has for me. Until then... I'll wait.