Waiting...

It seems like lately I've been spending a lot of my time waiting for things to happen. Waiting for school to start, waiting for Sam to get home from work, waiting for supper to be done, waiting to proceed, waiting for results... waiting. While waiting for something to happen there is usually a lot of time to think. Lately I've been stuck in thinking about what I'm missing out on while I'm waiting. While it seems like everyone is moving full steam ahead, with no brakes and no fork in the road, I'm stuck at "GO". I have continually thought to myself, "We're on the same road with the same map, why can't I get started?" I've looked everywhere for the answer but can't find it. As I watched everyone pull further and further away I suddenly felt alone, misunderstood, sad and confused. We had started this race together, I had worked hard, taken all the right steps, put in the time but still, none of this mattered.

While everyone else was busy with their journey, I longed for the tired and worn out but satisfied feeling that comes from being a parent. I longed for sleepless nights and nursing babies, for skinned knees and hugs of comfort, for beating hearts and those first cries of life. And I still do. For a while, in this time of waiting, that is all I thought about. How everywhere I looked new life was growing. Every reference to motherhood stabbed my heart, every baby bump shook my soul.

Two miscarriages will do two things to a woman, rock her faith to the core to see how solid it truly stands and show her who will truly stand by her on that lonely rock. People who have not been through this, either themselves or with a friend, can not truly understand I guess but the death of a child at any stage of life cannot be forgotten or replaced. The smallest thing will remind me of those days of hope and those days of loss. As the due date of my first child quickly approaches I will be reminded of those first weeks of hope and excitement. I must cling to those feelings as I let go of the pain and confusion that fall with any great loss.

As I give away the pain to a God who can hold it all, I've realized that maybe I'm not stuck at "GO." Maybe I'm just on a different road. Maybe it's not a race or contest. Maybe the darkness I'm sloshing through is part of a greater plan. I will never understand it as long as I am on this Earth. I'm not sure I will ever be truly over the pain but I trust and find hope in what lies ahead. While I ask for forgiveness from those I may have hurt or made feel uncomfortable with my words or actions, this is my life, this is my path. I hope as I continue my dreams will someday come true, but everyday I must decide to follow with faith and hope the road that God has laid out in front of me. I hope to help people understand my journey and not be afraid of the pain that it has shown me, but instead see the rejoicing in God who has laid out a plan that is far greater than any I could ever imagine. Hope is a daily decision and today I hope to faithfully move one more step down the road. Whether surrounded by love or loneliness I will walk and one day I will understand the plan He has for me. Until then... I'll wait.