Roadblock...

In general, Monday nights can be tough.  The fun of the weekend behind you, the long week ahead.  I'm usually thankful for work, but a little overwhelmed and if it snowed three feet of snow tonight and we had to use one of our snow days already, I really wouldn't mind.  Oh Monday, why can't you be more like Friday.

I'm glad to be home tonight though.  Watching some CW hanging out with the puppy.  But then I thought, "Wait.  Isn't this exactly what I was doing two years ago?  The exact same thing?  Is that bad?"  It's amazing how the world has taught us to always push forward.  Get ahead in life, work harder, just get over it and move on.  If you work hard enough all your dreams will come true.  But sometimes, we just get stuck.  It's not usually all parts of our life.  We don't really try to get stuck.  But sometimes you just can't get by that one roadblock that's blocking your next step.

The strange thing is that it is different for everyone.  Different timing, different roadblocks, different difficulties.  Sometimes I think that I might be so focused on my own problems that I don't pay enough attention to those around me.  Then at the same time I wonder why they don't seem to notice me either.  Are we so caught up in our own mud that we forget to look around to see who is out there with us?  Aren't we all in this together?  Aren't we supposed to be supporting each other?  So often though we are too busy to take the time.  Too busy moving our own crap out of the way.  Too busy to work together to make it through.

So while I may be stuck in CW, paper correcting land and longing for a different focus for my life, here I am.  Even Payton and Lucas have moved away from Tree Hill and I'm still here, stuck.  I know a better attitude would have me thankful for what I have and where I am and somedays I have that attitude.  But Monday nights can be tough and while the TV is often my friend, if also reminds me that most people my age don't watch the CW, they have a different focus from 7 to 9 at night.  But tonight, I'm stuck.

One More Step...

So... I started guitar lessons...

I'm learning the notes, chords, finger positioning, the works.  I've got a book titled "Beginning Guitar: for adults" and I'm ready to go.  It's a weird feeling starting something like guitar lessons were you're an adult. I mean, the kid who has lessons before me is nine years old... nine!  Mom's not hear to tell me to practice but I'm sticking to it and I call tell, with time, I might make it through the book.

I've always wanted to know how to play guitar.  I played around with it for the better part of ten years.  I learned some chords, tried to teach myself, but I never made it over the hump of actually knowing what I was doing.  I never had the confidence to ask for help and with each year that passed, I felt a little too old to be starting lessons.

But somethings have changed this year.  It's been a year of life changing experiences that have gone against the vision of what I thought my life would look like.  I've lost some things and people that were very important to me and I've realized that the only things that I can control are my faith and the way I react in each situation I'm in.  I grew tired of waiting for my life to work out and hoping that it is everything I dreamed it would be.  I grew tired of disappointment, confusion and waiting.

So I made a decision.  My first lesson I was clumsy, my figures hurt and Benjamin, my teacher, didn't have a book appropriate for my age level so he had to write out, by hand, what we were going to play.  I had to cancel my second lesson because of the death of my grandma so by the third week I had hardly practiced, my figures still hurt but now I had a book!  Things went well, I sucked, but progress is being made.

And really, that's the whole point, progress was being made.  It doesn't have to happen overnight.  It doesn't have to be completed or settled all at once.  Little by little progress is being made.  I'm up to learning the notes on the 5th string and while I'm clumsy and my fingers don't quite know where they are going yet, I'm better than I was last week and my fingers don't hurt as much.

It's about taking a step. One step, then another, then another, then another, until you're in a whole new place!  It might not be what you had planned for, but it's where you are and probably where you're supposed to be.  So use it, learn from it and take another step.

When I started guitar lessons, like anything new, I was nervous.  But now, only a month later, I'm excited.  Excited to be trying something I've always wanted to do.  Excited to be good at it.  Excited to have something to work for and earn.

But more than all for that, excited to take another step...

Everlasting Love.

My Grandpa Peterson passed away ten and a half years ago.  I was 17 and a Junior in High School.  I loved my Grandpa, we'd been close and he had supported me throughout my entire life from watching sporting events to special birthday presents to ice cream cones every time I would visit.  When my Grandpa passed it rocked our family.  He had developed cancer and before we knew it, he was gone.

That was over ten years ago and a lot has changed in my life since then.  Our family has gone through major changes.  We've laughed until our sides have hurt and we've cried until there were no more tears.  We've welcomed new family members and said goodbye to old friends.  We've moved, married, changed jobs, graduated and reevaluated life from all sides.  Through every step, laugh, tear and change one person has always been there to hold our hands, Grandma.

When I was little we called her Grandma Grunty.  I'm not sure why other than she always said, "Don't call me that!"  So of course, we did.  We had sleepovers, ate ice cream, looked at pictures and played cards.  My Grandma Dorothy has showed me so much and her wisdom has lead our family my entire life.  Tonight she lies in bed as the same cancer that took her husband, slowly takes her breath.  Even in this, her wisdom leads our family and shows us how grace, patience and faith can lead a person through anything, even death.

As I laid in bed last night I couldn't stop thinking of the things that my Grandma has taught me throughout my lifetime.  Especially in the last 7 years, we've developed a relationship and friendship that I will miss everyday of my life.  No matter what happens in the next days, weeks or months Grandma Grunty's lessons will be with me forever.  I can't wait to pass them on.

Here are some things she taught me:

• Grandma taught me that everything takes patience.  Patience with people, situations and life.
• Grandma taught me that family is everything.
• Grandma taught me how to play to cards, gamble and swear.
• Grandma taught me how to pray in German.
• Grandma taught me how to can, bake pie crust and make gravy.
• Grandma taught me to slow down and listen.
• Grandma taught me what stubbornness really looks like.
• Grandma taught me how to shop from the comfort of your own home.  Her, through magazines, Me, through the internet.
• Grandma taught me survival in any situation.
• Grandma taught me the importance of letting others help you.
• Grandma taught me importance of a good pot roast, ring baloney and potato salad.
• Grandma taught me how to get to Ho-Chunk.
• Grandma taught me why a smaller Walmart is always better than a Super Walmart.
• Grandma taught me that you can always go home.
• Grandma taught me to treat all family as equals.
• Grandma taught me to love game shows.
• Grandma taught me dirty songs from when she was young.
• Grandma taught me why everyone should have a rummage sale.
• Grandma taught me that every house should always have baked goods on hand.
• Grandma taught me that a little can go a long way.
• Grandma taught me that regular coffee is good day or night.
• Grandma taught me that the door is always open.
• Grandma taught me that Friday night is for reserved for Fish Fries.
• Grandma taught me to hang on to what you love.
• Grandma taught me how to say goodbye.
• Grandma taught me that love lasts forever.

No matter what happens next, my Grandma Dorothy will live with me forever.  Her laughter, smile and love will never be forgotten.  I pray for her comfort and relief.  Soon she will be with her love again.  It's been ten and a half years... what a reunion it will be!

Waiting...

It seems like lately I've been spending a lot of my time waiting for things to happen. Waiting for school to start, waiting for Sam to get home from work, waiting for supper to be done, waiting to proceed, waiting for results... waiting. While waiting for something to happen there is usually a lot of time to think. Lately I've been stuck in thinking about what I'm missing out on while I'm waiting. While it seems like everyone is moving full steam ahead, with no brakes and no fork in the road, I'm stuck at "GO". I have continually thought to myself, "We're on the same road with the same map, why can't I get started?" I've looked everywhere for the answer but can't find it. As I watched everyone pull further and further away I suddenly felt alone, misunderstood, sad and confused. We had started this race together, I had worked hard, taken all the right steps, put in the time but still, none of this mattered.

While everyone else was busy with their journey, I longed for the tired and worn out but satisfied feeling that comes from being a parent. I longed for sleepless nights and nursing babies, for skinned knees and hugs of comfort, for beating hearts and those first cries of life. And I still do. For a while, in this time of waiting, that is all I thought about. How everywhere I looked new life was growing. Every reference to motherhood stabbed my heart, every baby bump shook my soul.

Two miscarriages will do two things to a woman, rock her faith to the core to see how solid it truly stands and show her who will truly stand by her on that lonely rock. People who have not been through this, either themselves or with a friend, can not truly understand I guess but the death of a child at any stage of life cannot be forgotten or replaced. The smallest thing will remind me of those days of hope and those days of loss. As the due date of my first child quickly approaches I will be reminded of those first weeks of hope and excitement. I must cling to those feelings as I let go of the pain and confusion that fall with any great loss.

As I give away the pain to a God who can hold it all, I've realized that maybe I'm not stuck at "GO." Maybe I'm just on a different road. Maybe it's not a race or contest. Maybe the darkness I'm sloshing through is part of a greater plan. I will never understand it as long as I am on this Earth. I'm not sure I will ever be truly over the pain but I trust and find hope in what lies ahead. While I ask for forgiveness from those I may have hurt or made feel uncomfortable with my words or actions, this is my life, this is my path. I hope as I continue my dreams will someday come true, but everyday I must decide to follow with faith and hope the road that God has laid out in front of me. I hope to help people understand my journey and not be afraid of the pain that it has shown me, but instead see the rejoicing in God who has laid out a plan that is far greater than any I could ever imagine. Hope is a daily decision and today I hope to faithfully move one more step down the road. Whether surrounded by love or loneliness I will walk and one day I will understand the plan He has for me. Until then... I'll wait.

Going Big or Going Home!

So summer is quickly coming to an end.  If practice hasn't already started for some Fall High School sports, they start tomorrow.  Inservices start next week for several staff members and in two weeks it'll be like we never left at all.  This incredible mixture of excitement, nerves and annoyance is already building in my stomach which tells me one thing, it's time to go back to school.  

The great thing about working somewhere that moves in cycles is that each year you get a chance to start over.  Have a new attitude, try something new, tweak something you've already done.  A chance to do things better.  This year I'll be trying some new things for sure but as I enter another year in this job I want to make sure I never forget why I do this, the kids.

It's funny, when people ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I teach high school students the other person is never excited.  They usually say something like, "Wow!  I could never do that." or "I'm sorry."  I even had one women last week say that there was no way she could even hang around teenagers today.  In the end I always have to ensure them that I do actually like it and choose to be there.

I think that what people don't realize however, is that teens today really aren't that different then ever before.  While I'm only ten years out of high school, it seems that things are pretty much the same; they wear their emotions on their sleeves, love their friends dearly, don't realize how good they might actually have it and are always ready to be older than they are.  

What a lot of people don't see is when you take the time to know these people, what they care about and how to get them fired up about life, these young people can do inspiring things.  A lot of times they don't realize that something "can't" be done, so they just do it.  The passion that can be found in young people today and in any era really is an amazing thing that can change the world.  It's inspiring to see them work together, try something new they've never done and tackling a project with no fear.  

So as I get ready for another school year, one thing I'll be working on is finding that passion and inspiration within myself and bringing that to work.  Going big or going home!   Showing these students that it's okay to be excited about something you care about or believe in, it's okay to be yourself.  

I Learned It All from TV...

I love TV!  

It's almost ridiculous... almost.  I love all types of TV: reality shows, 80s sitcoms, cartoons, network stuff, the news, music videos, anything really.  The DVR has saved my life and helped me manage my TV watching.  I'm almost embarrassed to admit I currently have 49 different shows set up to record at any given time, some just new shows, some everyday, some with the word "basement" in it, almost any combination.  

Now, in today's society a lot of people would probably look now on so much TV watching but I believe I've learned a lot in the hours spent in front of the boob tube.  I've learned what it's like to live with 7 strangers, picked to live in a house, I've learned that when you are overwhelmed you should just tell Zach instead of taking caffeine pills, I've learned I would never go on any sort of Court TV, I've learned that almost any problem can be solved in 30 minutes, 60 if it's really complicated.

So, TV has taught me a lot, but the biggest thing that TV has taught over the years is the importance of communication.  If you look back over almost any TV problem, it almost always starts with a breakdown in communication.  Either someone doesn't say how they feel, or they forget to say something, or they assumed something instead of asking the question.  It's the same storyline over and over again, a lack of communication leads to major problems.

While a lot of people may disagree with me that TV imitates live, in the pattern of broken communication, it truly does.  So many problems in the world today started with a breakdown in communication.  Now, you really wouldn't think it would be that hard to communicate.  We have more ways of getting in touch with each other today than in any other point in history, but somehow there seems to be a disconnect.  We seem to be having a hard time getting our point across or we assume that because we are thinking it, everyone must be thinking the same thing.  Somehow in the advancement of technology, in the fast speed pace of live, we have forgotten how to talk to each other (and listen I might add.)

While I have seen how a breakdown in communication has the potential to destroy first-hand, I've also seen how communication done well and often can help a relationship grow.  From what I have witnessed, it starts by slowing down.  Whatever happened to sitting on the porch with friends or neighbors and just talking about what's going on in life or in the world?  Did we get too busy.  My Grandma has taught this to me more than anyone in my life.  While there is always somewhere to be or something to do is it really more important than spending time with someone you care about, getting to know them a little bit more.

I've noticed over the last few years that good communication is the key is any relationship.  At work, with a spouse, with children, friends, parents, the bank teller, everyone.  You need to be able to tell people what you need, how you feel, what you're thinking.  What is my source for all of this?  Well, if you try and base your relationships off of the type of relationship you should have with God, communication is the key.  God says to communicate all the time, pray without ceasing.  Tell Him how you feel, what you think, what you need, thanking Him what you have and then the other side of communication... shut up and listen.  Why would our other relationships be any different?

While every relationship in my life is a little different, one things I'm working on is communication because when you communicate well and lay it all out there, life is less stressful.  There is no more guessing about where everyone stands or what they are thinking.  Good communication is the base for growing any relationship and fixing any problem, if you can figure that part out it only gets easier.  The great part is that it is something we can all work on together and always strive to improve...

Pshht... and they say you can't learn anything from TV.

Carrying on the Tradition...

  Every year the same thing happens on the third weekend of July.  Several community members try to sell their "junk" while several others search for "new treasures," kids race their big wheels down main street, others race each other for "fun" around town, crafters find incredible must have in Central Park, community members parade through town as well as a number of other traditional events.  It happens every year, Edgerton Tobacco Days!  The homecoming of homecomings.  A place where you can show up at Racetrack Park alone, knowing you will soon be surrounded by old high school friends who immediately offer you a hug and a beer.  Tradition, small-town style and I love it!  

 But this year has been a little different.  Instead of rummaging around town this morning, I was in a hospital bed.  Instead of catching up with friends at Racetrack tonight, I'll be on the couch, recovering.  I'm not usually one to really talk about issues like this, for fear that I will bring attention to myself, but today just might be different.  Not to bring attention to myself, but to bring attention to something that many couples have to live through every year, infertility and miscarriage.  

  Sam and I have just gone through our second miscarriage in the last five months after trying for two years to even get pregnant.  With the death of our second child today we are obviously grieving the physical loss but we are also grieving the loss of a dream.  While it is still up in the air as to whether Sam and I can procreate successfully, our dream had been to get married young and start a family young, have three kids (four if we have twins,) we wanted to have them be born during Sam's slow season at work so that he could take some time off and if possible have them relatively close in age so they will most definitely be life-long friends as well as siblings.  Looking back now on this dream, after all we've gone through, it looks as if I was trying to order our family out of an L.L. Bean catalog instead of giving birth to them.

  It is amazing how time and circumstance can change a dream.  While the dream we had may be some other's reality, the way we planned it isn't the way God has it laid out for us.  Coming to grips with that has probably been the hardest part.  In this age where we are able to answer any question we have within a few minutes online, having to wait and see, having faith and patience for God's timing is the hardest thing ever.  Everyday Sam and I have physically made that decision to move on and trust (well, some days I have chosen to move on and be pissed off.)  Either way, each day we take step, most days together.

  Today we took a leap however, as we said goodbye to the dream that was, in our minds, supposed to be a reality on February 10, 2010.  Now we are back to faith and patience, which I guess should never really go away.  We're focusing on new short-term goals as we again put the idea of growing our own family on hold for a few months at least.  So while the third weekend in July has always been about tradition, friend and family in Edgerton, WI, this year I hope to add faith and perseverance to this list.  Hopefully next year our new dreams will have come true and we can pass these traditions down to a new generation.